


misadventures of a thief and a barbarian

by nataytay407



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-18 02:51:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13672737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nataytay407/pseuds/nataytay407
Summary: i'll change the title laterTweek, a barbarian, is kidnapped by a thief while hunting. They travel across the land of Zaron with orders from the Grand Wizard to seek out and destroy anyone who poses a threat to his kingdom. Bonds are made and broken along the way.that was a really bad summary but i don't have most of the story written up yet





	misadventures of a thief and a barbarian

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter of what was going to be a one shot but turned into this

The cold winter wind whistled through the trees, shaking their branches and letting snow fall to the ground. Among the cluster of sticks, a person sitting there stood out from the brown and white of their surroundings.  
His blond hair twirled around slightly in the wind. The black stripes of paint on his bare chest didn't do much to keep him warm. He shivered, clutching a bow in one hand with an arrow fixed into place.  
The barbarian was beginning to doze off when the sudden crunching of snow alerted him of someone approaching. His head snapped up and he drew his bow. He kept still, but his eyes darted all around, searching for the intruder.   
The sounds grew louder, and soon someone was in view. He looked like a thief- he wore brown clothing with a tattered cape. His black hair was half hidden by his blue hat.   
Quietly, the barbarian aimed and let his arrow fly loose. It whizzed by the thief’s face, missing him by an inch.   
The thief spun around, reaching for the knife concealed in his boot. He realized just how close he was to barbarian territory.   
He knew how good barbarian archers were- they never missed their targets. That arrow was a warning shot.   
A rustling sound behind him made him spin around again. A blond-haired barbarian crouched in the middle of a split in a tall tree, bow drawn and aimed at the thief’s chest. The wind howled and shook the tree branches, but neither of them moved.   
“What are you doing so deep into the forest, thief?” the blond spat, drawing his arrow back slightly further. “You were about to cross from the king’s territory into ours.”  
The thief took a step back. “I’m here on the Grand Wizard’s orders,” he explained calmly, hiding his knife behind his back. “He sent me to find the bard.”  
The barbarian lowered his bow slightly. “What does the wizard need the bard for? Jimmy’s an elf and Eric’s a human, last time I checked.” He was growing slightly suspicious. It didn't seem like that was the only thing the thief was here for.  
The thief shrugged. “He wouldn't say.” He was slowly inching closer to the tree as he spoke, unnoticed by the barbarian. “By the way, do you have a name?”  
“Why does that matter?”  
The thief was only a couple feet away from him, still clutching his knife, but he still didn't notice.   
“Well,” the thief chuckled, “it's just that…”  
As he trailed off, he suddenly chucked his knife at the barbarian. The blond shrieked in surprise and leapt aside, dodging the knife. He swiftly shot up and drew his bow, but the thief had vanished.   
A sudden whack on the side of the barbarian’s head had him out cold.  
* * * * *  
The blond woke up in a moving cart with a headache.  
In the first few seconds he was awake, he thought that he was just in one of his tribe’s carts, being carried back to his village. He very quickly realized this was not the case.   
This cart had a wooden floor and roof, but had iron bars surrounding him on all four sides, save for a door on the front. It was like a tiny mobile prison.   
He crawled to the front of the cage. Sure enough, sitting on the front of the cart was the thief. His blue hat and his cape flowed slightly in the wind behind him as his horse pulled the cart forwards.   
“H-hey!” the barbarian yelled at him. “What gives, man?! Let me out of here!”  
The thief’s head turned at the sound. He grinned.  
“Well, look who's awake.” He looked back down at the road to keep his horse on track. “Sorry I had to whack you over the head with a tree branch, but I knew you wouldn't willingly climb in the cell.”  
“What do you want with me?” the barbarian demanded, rattling the bars. His head twitched. “ _Gah_!” He hated it when his nervous twitching came back. “I'm just a… a barbarian! You don't need me for anything!”  
The thief chuckled. “You think I didn't see your crown? I know you're the barbarian king.”  
The blond now remembered his crown- a wreath made of sticks woven together- that still rested in his mop of messy hair. He had forgotten to take it off before he went hunting.   
“I really lucked out here,” the thief went on. “I can't believe I found you literally at the edge of your territory.” He glanced back at him. “But I thought I'd find an actual barbarian, not a human.”  
Hearing this comment, the barbarian bristled. His grip on the iron bars tightened. “Don’t mention that, thief. I earned my crown fair and square.”  
“It's Craig, by the way.”  
“What?”  
“My name. It's Craig.”  
The barbarian thought the thief would have had a better name than that, but he had more pressing matters to worry about right now.   
“ _Agh_! Why’d you kidnap me?” he went on. “I thought you said you were looking for the bard!”  
“Well, I sort of am,” Craig replied, glancing back at him. “Wizard’s orders, Blondie. He wants me to get rid of anyone who seems like a threat to him and his kingdom.”  
The barbarian’s scowl faltered for a moment. He raised an eyebrow. “Blondie?” he murmured, slightly confused.  
“I decided to go around and find whoever was nearby,” Craig continued. “You happened to be the closest, Blondie, so-”  
“Tweek.”  
Craig paused. “Huh?”  
“My name isn't Blondie, it's Tweek.”  
Craig faced the road again with a self-satisfied grin on his face. “Finally got a name out of you.”  
Tweek scowled again, but decided not to say anything.   
He had relaxed a little at this point, and his nervous twitching had stopped. Now he could think more clearly. Looking around, he saw a lock on the door of the cage. If he had something small enough, he could probably pick the lock.   
But it seemed the thief had thought of that as well. The small hair pins Tweek kept on the side of his boots just in case of something like this were gone.   
“You took all my fucking hair pins,” he grumbled. Craig didn't turn around, but Tweek heard him snicker. He didn't say anything else, though. 


End file.
